


Howling Innuendos

by nikkiRA



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Dirty Talk, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, but like a really lite version of dirty talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 14:11:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15196493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikkiRA/pseuds/nikkiRA
Summary: “That ain’t sexual, Colonel. The Cap was probably just getting one of the Sarge’s back massages.”“Back massage,” Phillips said flatly.“The Sarge’s got magic fingers.”“Gets right into those deep knots, I tell you.”





	Howling Innuendos

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in kind of a weird way - you'll notice that i never specify which of the commandos is talking. i did this for two reasons: partly i'm not familiar enough with characterization, but also because i wanted to portray them as one cohesive unit, as a team like hive mind where it didn't matter who was talking, because they were speaking the truth they all believed.

They called it the Farm Incident. The Farm Incident happened because the farmgirl had a crush on the Captain, and because Sergeant Barnes wouldn’t know how to be careful even when his life literally depended on it.

The thing was, they had discussed it, when they found out. And a lot of people would’ve told immediately, because a lot of people didn’t want queers in the army. But see, a lot of people didn’t want Gabe or Morita in the army, either. Sometimes people were just wrong. And Cap and the Sarge were two of the bravest men any of them had ever met, and it wasn’t like they were weird about it. The two of them didn’t even know the rest of the team knew about it. And they never turned eyes on anyone else, either. The rest of the Commandos had never seen two people more obviously made for each other. 

But the way they thought about it, if it came down to it, Cap would be the first one throwing down his life for his team, with the Sarge close behind him. When someone was ready to die for you, who they spent their nights with became less of a concern.

But not everyone was going to think like that. Apparently, Miss Farmgirl didn’t much care that they were willing to lay down their lives for them.

On the plus side – they were in London again. The boys loved London. Big city, cute accents, girls who were ready to drop their skirts at the first sight of a uniform.

On the other hand, they were all sitting there in front of Colonel Phillips, because he’d gotten a report that Captain America was a queer who had fucked Sergeant Barnes in a civilian’s farm house.

Phillips looked profoundly uncomfortable. They were in a fairly large office - someone had clearly wanted to make sure they weren’t overheard. It would have been a national scandal, Captain America being a fairy. None of the boys had sat in chairs this comfortable in ages.

Cap and the Sarge had been sitting outside when the Commandos filed in. Cap had had his fighting face on; the Sarge just looked queasy.

“Do you know why you men are here today?”

Almost as one, they all shook their head. They weren’t gonna throw anyone under the bus. They were far more loyal to Cap and the Sarge than they were to Colonel Phillips.

Phillips sighed. It was clear he hadn’t wanted to get into explanations, was hoping for a quick confirmation.

He wasn’t going to get one.

“You folks stayed in a farmhouse that belonged to a Lt. Bob Goody and his wife. Lt. Goody has a daughter – 18 years of age, names Nancy. Am I correct?”

They nodded.

“Ms. Nancy Goody has a strange story to tell. She says she headed to the barn to ask Captain Rogers if there was anything she could get for him –”

“More like she wanted to see the good Cap with his shirt off –”

“When she overheard something. Now Miss Goody has made a very serious accusation against Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes. We want to make sure this matter is dealt with properly. If true, this type of behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and will be dealt with accordingly.”

“Colonel, you still haven’t told us what the Cap and Sarge are being accused of.”

Colonel Phillips looked pained. See, the thing was the Commandos knew exactly what was going on. Captain America had only one flaw, so if they were sitting in Colonel Phillip’s office with the threat of the Cap’s dishonourable discharge hanging over their heads, there was only one reason why. But if they said they knew, that would basically be evidence that it was true. So they were damn well going to make him spell it out.

“Ms. Goody claims that she heard Captain Rogers in a… compromising position.”

“What kind of compromising position?”

Phillips clenched and unclenched his fist. “Ms. Nancy Goody has accused Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes of sexual perversion.”

The Commandos exchanged a look. “What exactly do you mean, sir?”

Phillips pushed a piece of paper towards them. “Ms. Goody has given us eye witness testimony as to what she heard from Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes.”

The guys looked over the paper, exchanged a look, and then said, “Don’t see how this means sexual perversion, sir.”

A myriad of emotions passed Phillip’s features. It was almost funny.

“Did Nancy Goody see anything?”

“No,” Phillips said. “She only heard.”

“Sounds like Ms. Nancy Goody might be a bit of a sexual pervert herself, must’ve stood outside for ages to hear all this –”

“Ms. Goody’s virtue is not in question, here.”

“Captain Rogers’ is. Captain Rogers. All respect, Colonel, but Captain Rogers blushes whenever you mention any part of the female body.”

“Ms. Goody was very confident about what she heard.”

“I’m just saying, I think we’d know if we were fightin’ with a coupla queers.”

“And how else would you explain this, son?” Phillips said, gesturing at the paper again.

“How would we explain what, Colonel?”

Phillips hit the table with his fist, cleared his throat, picked up the piece of paper, and said, quite clearly – “‘God, Bucky, that’s so good.’”

It was all they could do to not to laugh – hearing all too serious Colonel Phillips dirty talk with an absolute straight face – it was the strangest thing they had seen in a war filled with strange things.

“That ain’t sexual, Colonel. The Cap was probably just getting one of the Sarge’s back massages.”

“Back massage,” Phillips said flatly.

“The Sarge’s got magic fingers.”

“Gets right into those deep knots, I tell you.”

“And we all know Cap’s the most stressed of us all.”

“Holding the whole country on your shoulders gives you some pretty bad back pain.”

Phillips looked between all of them. “Do you truly expect me to believe this?”

“Ask for a massage, Colonel, I promise you’ll believe us then.”

Phillips stared down at the paper again. “‘You’re so goddamn hot, Stevie.’”

“Meant that literally.”

“Yeah, Cap is pretty much a space heater now.”

“We all take turns on who gets to bunk with him when its cold.”

“After effects of the serum,” Phillips muttered. “Still, these excuses are incredibly far-fetched.”

“More far-fetched than a child who’s accusing a national hero of being a pervert?”

“The fact that Captain Rogers is who he is means we need to take these allegations seriously.”

“Colonel, this is ridiculous. This is _Captain America_ we’re talking about.”

“These only get more explicit,” Phillips said, tapping the paper. “I doubt you’ll be able to explain them all away.”

“Not explaining anything away, Colonel. Just telling the truth.”

“You do know that if we find definitive proof, all of you can also be held accountable.”

“Held accountable for what? Back massages?”

“Explain this to me, boys.” He flipped the paper around so they could read it, pointing at different quotes in turn.

_Fuck me._

“C’mon, you’ve never said after hurting yourself somehow?”

_For fuck’s sake, Steve, just put it in._

“Cap’s got this thing against guns, see –”

“Hates using ‘em –”

“Won’t even load his own –”

“Thinks he can take every goddamn Nazi out with just his shield.”

“But the Sarge, well, he’s got no problem with guns –”

“He’s a fucking sniper, I hope not –”

“So he’s always on Cap’s case, telling him to take his goddamn gun, always asks him what the hell he thinks he’s gonna do if we meet Hitler.”

"Usually he gets fed up and just loads the Cap's gun for himself."

_So tight –_

“We told you about Cap’s back muscles, didn’t we?”

_So beautiful –_

“Cap’s a big sap, probably looking at the goddamn moon or something.”

“You gentlemen think you have an answer for everything. But how do you expect to explain this one away?”

_God, I love you._

_I love you, you fucking idiot._

The boys exchanged looks.

“We don’t need to explain this one away, Colonel.”

“Cap and the Sarge have been friends since they were kids. They’re all they got left.”

“Maybe it’s a little bit queer, sure, but this is war, sir. When your friends can die at any point, you start being a little freer with your feelings.”

“If I had the chance – I’d tell my friends I loved them too.”

Phillips studied them all in turn, before sighing. He had a look on his face that seemed to say _I don’t get paid enough for this._

“This is a farce, Colonel Phillips. Are you really going to believe some child over two men who have given everything they have for this country?”

They weren’t going to get any admission of wrong doing. Phillips seemed to give up, just gestured to the door. “You are free to go, gentlemen.”

“And Captain Rogers? Sergeant Barnes?”

“They are free to go too. Now get out.”

They filed out. Cap and the Sarge looked up when they exited the room.

“Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes.” Phillips was behind them. “Get out of my goddamn office. And Sergeant Barnes?”

The Sarge stood up.

“I would advise you to be more careful when performing back massages in the future.”

Captain Rogers started to cough. The Sarge’s lips twitched.

“Yes, sir.”

* * *

They remained silent until they were alone. Cap and the Sarge eventually stopped, turning to face them. The boys waited.

Captain Rogers opened his mouth, closed it. Eventually he said, “I want to thank you for what you did in there. If there – Bucky and I… there is no way to properly tell you –”

That was the Cap for you, all choked up. But the Sarge knew better. He crossed his arms.

“All right. What do you want.”

“Not sure what you mean, Sarge.”

“Cut the shit,” he said, but he was grinning. “This is war, and none of you assholes do anything for free. What do you want?”

“Liquor’s on you.”

“Fair.”

“And you don’t always get to hog Cap’s right side when it’s cold.”

Barnes looked less eager to agree, but eventually he nodded. “Fine. We’ll rotate on both Steve’s sides.”

“Do I get a say in this?” Cap asked. He still looked a little overwhelmed.

“No. So I’ll foot the bill from now on. I won’t hog Steve’s side anymore. Anything else?”

“In all seriousness – we don’t need anything. Way we see it, we don’t give much of a damn what you two do. Might not understand it, but that’s not gonna stop any one of us from taking a bullet for you, just as it wouldn’t stop you for taking a bullet for us.”

“Hang on, who said anything about taking bullets?”

Cap finally smiled, looking relieved.

“Oh, uh, one more thing –”

“You’re starting to push it.”

“I might want one of those back massages, Sarge.”

Barnes burst out laughing. “Not sure you’d like it as much as Steve here does.”

Cap made a strangled noise in his throat, but the rest of them just laughed.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr @aravenlikewritingdesk


End file.
